New Pics

Justin took some new pictures of me last night, perhaps I'll post a couple of them here, if I decide I don't look too fat or puffy or oily or goofy.

His truck is officially in the shop today. A herd of boys came over yesterday afternoon/evening and tried to work on it,but they broke two tools trying to get the bolts off. Trouble. After a couple of hours they gave up and we went to eat barbeque. Then they all went upstairs to play video games the rest of the night. Ptth.

I did manage to get all of my laundry done and watch the Oscars yesterday. That's officially it. God I love weekends.


The Phantom of the Opera is a wonderful musical. It's an amazing show and one of my favorites. The new movie version, which came out this year is also very very good. But it is so freaking depressing. For those of you not familiar, here are some lyrics:

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again:
You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try

No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye
Help me say goodbye

There's a new song written just for the movie version and performed in the movie credits by Minnie Driver (the rest of her singing in the movie, as the diva is dubbed). As if the show doesn't have enough sad sad music. This is the most depressing thing ever. (Even though it is really appropriate):

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Ever dreamed out in the world
There were arms to hold you?
You've always known
Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved

It's enough to make you need a hug.


Remember the show "Boy Meets World" that came on ABC from 93-2000? I was wondering what happened to the girl that played Tapanga (Danielle Fishel), because she was such a cutie, and I ran across this quote:

"I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs. I shop, okay?"
-Danielle Fishel

LoL We could be the same person!
(She was actually born the day before me, same year, so maybe it's just a Taurus thing...)

New Blog

I have a new blog. It's basically a dream journal. I needed a place to write down all the strange things that happen in my head at night. Read it if you want to:

Such Stuff As Dreams Are Made Of

If It's Not One Thing...

It's another.

Thursday night the starter on Justin's truck went out. Luckily, it was parked in front of the apartment office when it went, so we didn't have far to walk to get home, but it still sucked. So, it's still there today, but I think tomorrow he has some friends coming to help him push it up the hill to here so he can fix it.
Today I'm cleaning, sort of. I get up and move some things around, and then sit again to watch Dr. 90210. I love to watch plastic surgery. It freaks Justin out, so he's upstairs now, presumably also cleaning. I hope he's making better progress than I am.

No Surprise Here.

Your Brain is 86.67% Female, 13.33% Male

You have the brain of a girly girl
Which isn't a bad thing at all
You're emphatetic, caring, and in tune with emotions.
You're a good friend and give great advice.

Making Progress.

So, after twenty-five minutes of holding, someone at the IRS finally answered the phone. And told me what I already knew: that my refund had bounced back, and that they'd be sending me a paper check on Mar. 4. So, why did I call, you ask, well, because they sent me an email today that said I needed too. Oh well, at least now I have a definate approximate time. *grin* Not all is lost. Justin should be getting his refund on Friday, yay, just in time for the weekend. (Although, I think he's doing something responsible and not at all fun with his cash.)

True...Very True

How strange that so many people go through the same things. Just when you think you're alone...

Stolen from Annabel who stole it from Martha Martha:

Human relationships easily become possessive. Our hearts so much desire to be loved that we are inclined to cling to the person who offers us love, affection, friendship, care, or support. Once we have seen or felt a hint of love, we want more of it. That explains why lovers so often bicker with each other. Lovers' quarrels are quarrels between people who want more of each other than they are able or willing to give.It is very hard for love not to become possessive because our hearts look for perfect love and no human being is capable of that. Only God can offer perfect love. Therefore, the art of loving includes the art of giving one another space. When we invade one another's space and do not allow the other to be his or her own free person, we cause great suffering in our relationships. But when we give another space to move and share our gifts, true intimacy becomes possible.
~ HenriNouwen society

This is Important

Free Mojtaba and Arash Day

And Another One...For Justin

Also By Rumi:
(I don't know the title...)
The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.

A Poem

Sometimes I Forget Completely
Sometimes I forget completely what companionship is.
Unconscious and insane, I spill sad energy everywhere.
My story gets told in various ways: a romance, a dirty joke, a war, a vacancy.
Divide up my forgetfulness to any number, it will go around.
These dark suggestions that I follow, are they part of some plan?
Friends, be careful. Don't come near me out of curiousity,
Or sympathy.

There's All This...

I had a really good weekend. Justin woke me up at 8 on Saturday and went to get breakfast fromt he gourmet doughnut shop (mmm doughnuts and pigs 'n' a blanket, hot chocolate). It was a really nice surprise, and the food was *excellent.* It was important that I eat all the things that I crave over the weekend, because today, I've started SlimFast. Yuck. I did get though, instead of the SlimFast snack bars, a box of fat free fudge pops. They have fewer calories and less fat than SF's snack bars, and I figure they'll curb the ice cream craving that I get on a regular basis.

Saturday afternoon we did a little shopping, but it was kind of depressing, because I kept picking out things that I wanted and/or needed and then talking myself out of buying whatever it was. I did end up with some fuscia sheets (half price at Ross!) and a green t-shirt that suitable for the spring weather *and* for work. (yay Target!). Saturday night we went to see Forum, and it was excellent. I want so badly to get involved in theatre again, and Campus does such good shows, but I'm just too afraid. It's really hard to audition at a new theatre, where everyone already knows everybody else. After you get to know us, theatre people are fun and open and great friends, but if you're new to the group, it's pretty scary. *sigh*

Sunday was boring boring. We got some groceries (and the above mentioned diet foods) and just kind of hung out at the house. I was supposed to go to a "stamping party," (like a tupperware party, except with craft stamps), with a girl from my office, but I just couldn't do it. I'm too afraid of the rejection of other people. I want friends so desperately, but I can't bring myself to risk being ignored or ridiculed. Have I always been this way? I don't know. I don't remember how I went about making friends in the past. It's been a long time since I had someone that I could call in the middle of the night or go shopping with. I miss that.

I've started to feel depressed. (again) I don't want to come to work anymore, and I don't want to...well, I don't really want to do anything. I feel really unattractive and lonely. There is no excuse for this. I have everything that I need. I'm trying very hard to convince myself that if I get more sleep tonight, it will be better. (I was sick at 2am.)

It's Justin's birthday. For the next 2 months, we're the same age.


Anybody know how I can change my "comments" thing to say another word? Patrick maybe? And I still want a list of blogs I read...

General Rantings.

Well, it's finally spring, or...Pretending to be spring for the time being. This is my favorite season. It's warm and pretty and all my favorite flowers start to peek through. Tulips, daffodils and irises will be everywhere in just a few weeks. I wish I could keep plants alive for more than a few days at a time. The bamboo on my desk is doing okay, and I seem to have nursed the little cactus that Sybil tried to neglect into oblivion back to health, but it's only a matter of time...

I hate Wednesdays. It's this middle of the week that makes me tired and rundown. Monday and Tuesday are the beginning, full of possibilities, Thursday and Friday are practically the weekend, but Wednesday. It's almost pointless to get out of bed. I think that American society should definitely go to a four day work week.

I am excited about this weekend thought, Monday will be Justin's birthday, so we're celebrating over the weekend, with dinner at Outback Steakhouse (they have the best hamburger *ever*). We're also going to see "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum" at the Campus Theatre. I'm *very* excited about the play, as it's one of my favorites. I wish they'd make a new movie version. I know that one already exists, and it's okay, but it's in that terrible technicolor where everything kind of looks orange, and I can hardly stand to watch it.

Justin called his mom on Sunday night to thank her for the valentine stuff that she sent us and she was a total cow to him, because apparently his uncle paid off his truck for him, after receiving a couple of late notices. (Justin had already worked out a payment plan with the bank, but Uncle Calvin didn't know that.) She (Patsy) said that Calvin had gotten repossession notices and that he paid it, but if Justin didn't get him $1800 right away he'd come take his truck. (She also yelled at him about a whole lot of other crap, drama queen that she is, but I won't go into it) So, Justin called his uncle yesterday afternoon, and he was completely cool about it. He said that he a) had NOT gotten repossession notices about the truck, and b) that he had just been in a position to pay for it, so he did, and that Justin could pay him back as he got the extra money. Hm. Little indicrepency isn't there?

It makes me so mad that Justin's mom freaks out and yells and lies to him to upset him. I guess that's why she's doing it. I can't think of any other reason. My parent's never behave like that. I think that she just wants him to feel like such a failure here, and in his life that he has to move back home and be with her. Well that's just too bad. She has to let her kids grow up and have their own lives or there's going to be some serious repercussion, and she's going to lose them. Where would she be then huh? So, once again, Justin's going to try and ignore her for awhile 'til she gets off whatever tear she's on. *Sigh.*

It's nice to have parents that are grown ups.

PS: I think I've broken the little toe on my left foot. It's okay though, 'cause now I have TV in my room! Ah, the price of entertainment. *smirk*

Well That's Kind of Hot!

You're a lollipop!! You're known for your coolness,
for you are a trend setter. You're a natural
leader, and are good under pressure. People
often seek you out for advice, for you have
great insight.

Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ain't It The Truth...

Yeah, Baby!
Psycho Kitty! You don't like to be crossed and
will take it out on anyone who is stupid enough
to try!

What kind of cat are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

It's Not As Desperate As It Sounds.

So, Valentine's Day is over and I can really let loose and be honest about what I think of the holiday. It sucks. First of all, I'd really rather be single on V-Day (Rhymes with D-Day. Coincidence? I think not.), and not because I don't love my wonderful boyfriend, but because then you can sit around with your girlfriends (not that I have girlfriends...) in your pajamas (which you bought for the occasion, comfy, not sexy) and eat Haagen Daz and watch When Harry Met Sally for romance and Chasing Amy for perspective, and bitch about what a stupid holiday it is.

However, when you have a boyfriend, husband, girlfriend whatever you have to pretend all day long that it's some special day, that it is the one day a year that you're depending on to feel loved and wanted and sexy. Everyone acts sad for you when you don't get flowers at work (even when their flowers are hideous orange and purple roses bleh). Everyone wants you to have the same kind of holiday, wants you to "feel loved on Valentine's Day!"

Justin makes me feel loved and wanted and sexy every day that we're together. Even the days when I know that it's hard to love me, and when I sure don't look sexy. He makes me know how lucky I am to be in my situation, even when all I can see is that sometimes the world sucks. He's the greatest boyfriend that anyone could ever ask for. I don't need anything from him that he doesn't give me every day. I'm happy with him. More than happy. We don't need pink streamers and candy hearts to say I love you.

And then Valentine's Day crept up on us, and he felt so sad that he couldn't send me flowers at work. Felt bad that I didn't have chocolate or a card or any of the crap that goes with it. And then the attitude seeped into me. I felt dark and cheated. Everytime someone got flowers at my office (yes even the ugly ones!), I was jealous and sad. I came home with that. I came home with all the animosity that I'd built up all day long, to the person that I love, and tried to have a yucky time. And that sucks. He worked really hard to make me a gift, which, despite what he says, I love. But it's not about the gift. And it shouldn't be.

We need to show the people that we love how we feel about them every day. I don't like that we use this holiday as an excuse to put off our affection. We shouldn't wait around to treat someone well. To let them know that we appreciate what they do. Valentine's Day is an excuse, but it's not an excuse to show love, it's an excuse to wait to show love for 11 months of the year, and I don't like that.

And, just so you know, I did get out of my funk last night. After a couple of hours of complaining about anything that I could think of I decided that it was a waste, and not reflective of what I believe at all. I lit candles and cleaned my room and Justin and I gave each other delicious massages. We spent lots of quality time talking and cuddling. And in the end, that's the best thing that could have happened.

I'd like the 'no gifts valentines day' to become our tradition, I think it makes us look for better things to do, better things to talk about. I'd also like to find something that reminds me to make him feel loved every day, like he does with me, and not save it for a 'holiday.'

~Happy Valentine's Day!~

This is the second year in my life that I've had a real Valentine. (And the same one both years, imagine that!) Justin is the best thing that I could ever ask for. He's sweet and thoughtful and sensitive. We're actually going to celebrate over the weekend, because that's when there will be money to celebrate with, but it makes me happy just to know that he'll be there when I get home tonight.
The other good news is that we have chocolate dipped strawberries, love potion cake, Valentine M&M's and Hershey's Kisses in the office today. Hurray for women who eat well!


I went to bed kind of early last night, tired from a long day/week at work. About 4am I heard shouting boys outside. I figured that it was just the guys that live upstairs coming home from an evening at the bar and tried to roll over and go back to sleep. A few minutes later, Justin came into my bedroom looking for my phone to call the police. I asked why and he said that the guys outside were not our neighbors, but a band of about fifteen strange boys running around with a baseball bat and breaking out peoples windows. (House or car, I'm not sure which.) He finally got hold of the police and they had already sent a car out. He told them that the truck they were in was parked in front of my apartment, and gave them a description and license plate number. While he was doing that a boy ran by my bedroom window. He gave the police his description. Sooon there was a police car in our parking lot and they pulled a girl out of the truck that the boys came in. She apparently tried to tell the police that she didn't know the boys and that she was just smoking a cigarette or whatever, but they didn't believe her. The police caught all the boys, except for the one who was actually wielding the bat. They arrested all of them. We think that the bat boy ran around the building and climbed up the apartment above mine. There was banging on their back door and then lots of pacing up there, but we're not totally sure. Anyway, it was scary and weird. We're still not entirely sure what went on and why, but when I go to work on Monday, I'm going to pull up the report and see what it says besides "criminal mischief." It really was the strangest thing ever. There hasn't been this much exictement here since the drug dealers got evicted from upstairs. *shiver*

We also got chocolate, beef jerky and ten dollars in the mail today for Valentine's Day from Justin's parents. And I got some of my Xcel stock to hold onto and cash when I'm ready to make a downpayment on a new car. I'm thinking a Honda Civic or a Nissan Altima. I can get either (2002) for between 11 and 13K. Hurray!

General Update

Justin and I have been snarky with each other for a couple of weeks, and while I feel that it's PMS related we're also doing an experiment. We're going to go for two days in a row seeing very little of each other in between spending our regular amount of time together (which is a lot). Then we'll see if we're happier on the days that we have together. I think it's a good plan. (It was mine after all.) Yesterday was the first of our alone days, and it was fine. I watched TV, had a really good sandwich and chocolate milk, and read a little. He played video games and drove around with Jeff to see if they could find something for Jeff to take pictures of. Fun times. Today he has a headache, so it's just as well that this is our second alone day. He isn't very social when he doesn't feel well.

In other news, I'm asking the insurance company of the truck that ran into me for more money. I think I deserve a little compensation for the fact that I missed three days of work right after starting a new job, and now my bosses think I'm not dependable. Also, I'm very nervous when I'm the passenger in a car, and too scared to even think about driving. If I hear tires squeal anywhere I totally freak out. My back still hurts, all the time, and will probably continue to cause problems for a very long time to come. AND I've been having these weird horrible headaches that feel like someone's driving a spike into my skull.

We'll see what happens. I'll keep you updated.

Direct Deposit Disaster

Yesterday was the most frustrating day ever. It started out like a normal day, and then Justin came to my office at 11. (Which for those of you keeping track is now my new lunch hour.) I was happy to see him until he told me that he was there with bad news.


Apparently the account that my check was supposed to be direct deposited into yesterday afternoon was closed on Wednesday due to "inactivity." Well of course it's been inactive! It's been empty, happily awaiting my check! What are you supposed to do with an empty bank account? Ugh.
So, we went to HR and they told me that all they could do was wait for my check, currently floating in cyberspace to be bounced back to them. Hopefully today, so that I can have a check by Monday. We called the bank who offered to open a new account, but when asked if they could transfer my money directly into that they said no. Well what good would a new account be then?! Soon we realized that that was just the beginning of the problems. My IRS refund check was also slated to be deposited into that account. After half an hour of talking to automated IRS hotlines, we finally got a person who told us the same thing HR had. They have to wait until it bounces back too, and then cut a paper check which will take a couple of extra weeks. AUGGH. I don't want to wait extra weeks for my money, that's why I e-filed and why I asked for direct deposit in the first place. Stupid bank. They should have at least called or something so that I could have notified HR and had my paycheck redirected.

On top of that, rent was due yesterday. Naturally. I was totally freaking out because if it's late, that's a $75 penalty, plus $10 per day until it's completely paid, and I had no idea how long it would be before I had money. Thankfully Justin's stellar roommate paid my rent, which I'll pay him back for.

Also, apparently the electricity was turned off in my apartment yesterday morning. Beth forgot to pay the bill, but it's on now, so I guess it's worked out.

Anyway, I'm still incredibly angry about this whole situation. No one I've talked to thinks that a bank can close an account without some notice to the account holder, but I don't know if I have any recourse in this. *sigh* I really wanted to do something for Valentine's Day, but I don't get paid again til the 18th (assuming HR gets it together and doesn't try the direct deposit again). Oh well, there's still Justin's birthday on the 21st. We're going to see "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" at the Campus Theatre and maybe eat at Fudrucker's. Mmmh.