There's All This...

I had a really good weekend. Justin woke me up at 8 on Saturday and went to get breakfast fromt he gourmet doughnut shop (mmm doughnuts and pigs 'n' a blanket, hot chocolate). It was a really nice surprise, and the food was *excellent.* It was important that I eat all the things that I crave over the weekend, because today, I've started SlimFast. Yuck. I did get though, instead of the SlimFast snack bars, a box of fat free fudge pops. They have fewer calories and less fat than SF's snack bars, and I figure they'll curb the ice cream craving that I get on a regular basis.

Saturday afternoon we did a little shopping, but it was kind of depressing, because I kept picking out things that I wanted and/or needed and then talking myself out of buying whatever it was. I did end up with some fuscia sheets (half price at Ross!) and a green t-shirt that suitable for the spring weather *and* for work. (yay Target!). Saturday night we went to see Forum, and it was excellent. I want so badly to get involved in theatre again, and Campus does such good shows, but I'm just too afraid. It's really hard to audition at a new theatre, where everyone already knows everybody else. After you get to know us, theatre people are fun and open and great friends, but if you're new to the group, it's pretty scary. *sigh*

Sunday was boring boring. We got some groceries (and the above mentioned diet foods) and just kind of hung out at the house. I was supposed to go to a "stamping party," (like a tupperware party, except with craft stamps), with a girl from my office, but I just couldn't do it. I'm too afraid of the rejection of other people. I want friends so desperately, but I can't bring myself to risk being ignored or ridiculed. Have I always been this way? I don't know. I don't remember how I went about making friends in the past. It's been a long time since I had someone that I could call in the middle of the night or go shopping with. I miss that.

I've started to feel depressed. (again) I don't want to come to work anymore, and I don't want to...well, I don't really want to do anything. I feel really unattractive and lonely. There is no excuse for this. I have everything that I need. I'm trying very hard to convince myself that if I get more sleep tonight, it will be better. (I was sick at 2am.)

It's Justin's birthday. For the next 2 months, we're the same age.


momacakes said...

I know how you feel about making new friends. It is so hard and unconfortable. I've spoken to lots of women who have the same problem. Good luck and know that you arn't alone. We are, the lot of us, in it together.

Susanlee said...

Thanks, it's good to know. I'm really glad you read my blog by the way. :)