Unrelated?

For once, actually my feet.

I haven't lost any weight this week. I haven't gained either, but I'm still not happy. However, that's not what this post is about, so moving on.

I've dropped half a shoe size. How does that happen? Were my feet fat on the heels and the ends of my toes? Have my arches suddenly reappeared? (Nope, still flat footed.) Did I just suddenly start buying the wrong size shoes several years ago and not notice? (This, unfortunately is the most likely explanation.) Anyway, now I'm in an 8.5...which is good, because, you know, small feet, but bad because it's the most common shoe size in America, which makes it super hard to find shoes that fit. Which is probably why I started buying 9s to begin with...hmm. Anyway, the 9s aren't working any more, and I'm a little baffled.

Justin's pretty certain it's just an excuse to shoe shop. It's not, but had I thought of it, that would have been brilliant.

A Prickly Issue

I do not believe in body hair on women. It is a evolutionary throwback that we simply don't need anymore. Potential mates no longer smell each other to determine how fertile they might be. (Note: if your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/significant other starts sniffing you, you have a problem.) Most of us don't romp naked through the fields, so we no longer need hair to protect our delicate areas. Razors are cheap. There are coupons for waxing all over the internet. (Don't try to do it yourself. Learn from my mistake.)  Nair is like $4. Get rid of the hair ladies. (Obviously eyebrows, and a reasonable amount of arm hair are fine. ARM not UNDER ARM, note the difference!)

Whenever I see a hair on the seat of the toilet in a women's restroom (which is what started this little rant), all that says to me is that someone wasn't taught proper grooming. And then I throw up a little. Shave your legs. Shave your pits. Get rid of the rest. You can have hair on your arms, if you insist, but onlyif it's blond. (ARM not UNDER ARM, note the difference!)

 Keep your eyebrows (obviously). And get rid of everything else. Being lovely and smooth is what separates us from icky boys. It's what makes us fragrant and delicate and clean. No more of this natural crap.  There's a reason that we don't live in the woods anymore.

Happy 4th

And for those of you who seem to have forgotten, here's our motto:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"


Stop trying to kick and/or keep people out.

A is only better than D if it's a grade.

Since May 25 I've lost 13 pounds. Yay.

Since May 25 I've gone from a DD bra to a C. Not so yay.

Since the beginning of time (ok, since the beginning of my adolescence), I've determined whether I look presentable based on whether my boobs were bigger than my belly.

I've now lost all of my boobs....and like 1.5 inches of belly.

Unacceptable.

Pet Psychic

Cats are generally a mystery, they function on their own terms and do their own thing, and occasionally deem you worthy enough to pet them. But today, I'm about 98% sure that this is the conversation that went on between Astrid and George.

Astrid: Hey! You've got something in your tail! I'm just gonna get that....

George: Back off bitch!

Astrid: No really, it's just right there...

George: I said hands off you crazy cow! (hisses and runs away)

Astrid: Waaiiit!! (hot on her tail)

By the by and not for nothin', I'm down 13 pounds. The program stole a hundred of my calories. I'd call it a bitch, but it seems to be working.

Small Changes...

I haven't weighed tonight yet, but based on my progress so far, I'm assuming I'm down about 10 pounds since I started with My Fitness Pal. As far as I can tell, my clothes fit pretty much the same. Except for my bras. Why do boobs always go first? That's the one fat place I'd like to stay fat, but whatever. It also appears that I've lost most, if not all of my double chin. Here are some pics for comparison:

May 20                                 June 19

8 Pounds

I'm 8 pounds down. That sounds better than 3, certainly, but it gets even better when you realize that 8 pounds is the same amount as this baby:



Please note: Not my baby.

So far, it's been pretty easy. Almost too easy, and I'm beginning to get a little suspicious. Of what, I'm not sure. Obviously the weight is coming off. Obviously I'm eating better and exercising a few times a week...but it doesn't feel like dieting has in the past. I had a cheat day last week, which seems to have bumped me past a small plateau, and the combination of tacos for lunch and Popeye's for dinner made me super, horribly sick. A few weeks ago, that would have been a pretty normal day, so if nothing else, it appears I've broken the junk food addiction. Occasionally I crave a brownie (who doesn't?), so I let myself have a brownie. I count the calories, and that's that. I no longer feel compelled to eat ALL the brownies. So yeah, it's going.

Justin starts work on Thursday night (as opposed to all the orientation he's been doing the past week). A week after that, we'll get his first paycheck! Three cheers for disposable income!! Hip, hip, hooray!

Slow Going


 Since being denied for weight loss surgery for 14 more months, I sort of gave up on losing any weight until then. It seemed pointless. And promptly gained 7ish pounds. But then my friend, Juliana, started with a program on her iphone and had really positive results (although, healthy, non-extreme results) in just a week. I decided that, besides the fact that it will make the surgery easier when I do get it, it would be a good idea to go ahead and start eating healthier. Just to get myself into that mode for post surgery.



Note: Not my feet. Not my scale. Not my Hello Kitty tattoo.

On Wednesday, I signed up for My Fitness Pal on my phone. It takes your base metabolic rate, based on your weight, age, and activity level, and it tells you how many calories to eat to lose weight at a rate of around 2 pounds per week. It also lets you enter your food for the day into it, and keeps t

rack of the calories for you. Sounds easy. Sounds like something I (and everyone) should have been doing all along, right? Duh. Except that the idea of keeping a food diary always seemed so oppressive before. It's much easier to type the information in, and magically have the calorie count done for you, than to hand write it, and try to figure out your servings and calories etc all by yourself. Especially for something like fruit, which isn't conveniently labled for you. And, there's the added bonus of not having to carry a stupid journal around with you. And losing it. And then throwing the damn thing away after you spill a margarita and queso on it for the 15th time....ahem. I digress.

Moving on. The program seems to have most restaurants' menus, and if it's not in there, you can usually find something pretty close, or just ask the management and enter it yourself. It also lets you enter exercise, and "gives back" the calories you burnt off, if you want to have an extra slice of cake, or whatever.

All this to say: I've lost 3 pounds in the last 5 days.

Which is pretty much a snail's pace, but 3 pounds is 3 pounds, and it's certainly better than not losing, or, gods forbid gaining 3 (more) pounds, right?

Right.

The Burning House

If your house were burning, what would you take out with you? (Objects only; assume your people and pets have escaped of their own accord.) Similar to Found and PostSecret, The Burning House allows people to post pictures of what they most need or value. What would you take?  It has inspired me to make my list (and take my picture), but it's also reminded me to make sure that these things are reasonably close together. And to purchase a small external hard drive for my computer to keep in my purse, along with my passport, which is currently residing somewhere at the bottom of my closest.  Here's my stuff:

Clockwise from top:

1.Handbag containing wallet, camera, glasses, passport, etc.
2. Photo of me, age 2 with my dad.
3. Favorite outfit: Orange sundress that gives me perfect boobs. White shrug if it's chilly. Comfy Bra: not shown.
4. Crazy Pills
5. Kindle
6. Cell Phone
7. Box of special memories
8. Laptop.

I made this list under the assumption that I would be wearing something (probably pajamas) and underwear (and wedding ring, duh). Otherwise, those things would obviously be on the list. I'm also assuming that I'd slide on flip flops on my way out the door.

Make your list, take a pic, and send me the link!

5 Years

I can't believe we made it. It's time for our real lives to begin...shooting for 5 more. The easy ones this time. I love you Beest.

(PS: I couldn't add music for free,so start the mp3 at the bottom if you want to hear the song that goes with!)

Anniversary - flash slideshow maker

But Where?

I'd really like to have this tattooed somewhere...sans the orange box, of course.

Bursting With Pride

Justin graduated from Nursing School last night. It marks the end of three super stressful years and the beginning of our super real lives.He also won the award for mental health nursing. (Probably because he's used to living and dealing with The Crazy.) I have never been more proud of anyone in my life!!

It Happened

I turned 30 on Friday, and, as it turned out, I didn't have a breakdown. Which isn't to say that I wasn't having lots of them during the lead up, but I didn't have one yesterday, and I haven't had one since.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty good. Interesting.

Happy Ishtar!

Please note that this is not intended to be offensive in any way. It is a joke. Tongue in cheek. A play on words. Stop taking yourselves so seriously. Nobody needs to freak out. Thank you.

Bad Day. Shitty Insurance.

I found out today that my insurance won't cover the bariatric surgery that I want/need to have for 15 more months. And even at that point, they won't cover it with the doctor that I'd prefer. They insist on using the whack-a-doo who refuses to do anything laparascopically. The guy who hangs out at bars with 19 year old girls. I feel like I can't do anything else with my life until after this happens. I want more schooling, but I'm not going back as the old, fat girl. I can handle one, I can't handle both. I'll be 30 in 18 days. I wanted my 30's to be fabulous, and, as it turns out, they're just going to be crappy.

It would also be nice if every time I was emotional about something, my husband didn't ask me if I was taking my medication properly. I'm allowed to be pissed about this, okay? I'm allowed to be pissed that the hospital I work for would be happy to finance (the other option, when insurance won't cover something) a boob job, or a face lift or an appendectomy, but not a lap band.

The Crazy

This was a PostSecret this week:

It never occurred to me before, but now I'm wondering if it's like this for the people I love, and the people who love me. Something to bring up in therapy.

Ohh yes.

see more Lol Celebs

Life List Updates

It's time to update the life list again. In one month, I'll be 30. Nobody cares (except me) because everything happens in May, and there's too much other stuff to pay attention to. One of the things on my list was "have a fabulous 30th birthday party," but it looks like that's not going to happen, so I'm going to take that off. I'm also adding a few new things and crossing off the things I've gotten done since the last update.

Develop a signature style  Hippie chick is here to stay.
Go to a fancy spa and get the works
Visit the Winchester Mystery House
Get perfect porcelain veneers  2/14/11
Work on a political campaign
Find just the right perfume Marc Jacobs Daisy and DKNY Delicious
Learn to like coffee
Live through a moment when real history is made  11/4/2008
Take my nieces to Europe
See Willie Nelson in concert
Win a hand of Blackjack in Vegas
Learn to make activated charcoal soap
Live in a blue state
Go on a cruise
Get meaningful words tattooed on my body
Attend Carnaval in Brazil
Bask in the sun on a beautiful beach
Have a drink named after me
Hold a human heart in my hands
Direct a musical Annie, July 2000
Own a professional grade camera
Learn to take really good pictures
Learn to make Nan's cherry cobbler 3/2011
Have a llama and a donkey as pets
Learn to make margaritas from scratch
Get asked to dance by a stranger 12/2010
Go on a real honeymoon
Throw a rockin' Halloween party
Personalize my own nail polish color It's called "Naked Fairy!"
Go to Disneyland
Go to the Tony awards
Hit 50 thousand visitors on my blog
Sing karaoke 5/2010
Ice skate in Rockefeller Center
Go one full year without falling down
Lose 150 pounds
Develop my digital photos
Own a Mac, see what the fuss is about (The iPhone counts)
Get a professional bikini wax Ow. Ow. Ow.
Read all of Ovid's Metamorphoses
Plant and grow strawberries without killing them
Own a hybrid (or fully electric) vehicle
Get rid of everything that I don't actually wear
Visit Monaco
Hold hands with Neil Patrick Harris
Start a collection Magic wands!
Purchase designer sunglasses 1/2010
Avoid losing designer sunglasses 2 full years!
Learn about my great-grandparents
Visit Salem at Halloween
See the Birth of a Baby
Live in France for a year
Find the courage to jump into the unknown (literally or figuratively)
Learn to make a really fancy dessert
Host a holiday dinner at my house
Catch Fireflies in a Jar
Learn to pair wine with food
Have a fabulous 30th birthday party Ran out of time.
Sit in on an autopsy
Sit on a jury
Visit India during Holi
Be part of a flash mob
Learn to ballroom dance
Take a pole dancing class

Fox News...

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Confession

I'm having an emotional affair.

With a handbag.

It lives at TJ Maxx, and occasionally I go visit it and stroke it's soft, baby blue Italian leather. I've never bought a very expensive bag before, and, as bags go, this one isn't the high end of the spectrum by any means. (It's $119...Half the regular retail price!!) It is, however, much more than I've ever paid for a handbag before. It has a bow. It's the perfect bag for spring, and we are meant to be together. I asked for it for my birthday from Justin. And then I hid it, lest it be kidnapped by someone who could never love it like I do.

Yeah...I've gone off the deep end.

Update:  I got it!! Today! We are watching Grey's Anatomy and cuddling on the sofa. (Not really...but almost.)