Telling Me Something...

I've been having dreams about frustration. I'm stringing tiny love beads on a wire and they keep falling off the other end because I can't figure out how to anchor them, or I'm trying to read a note and the words are blurry and I can't make them out. Sometimes I write a completely meaningless sentence on a dry erase board: "Kyle was 90," and then spend hours (in the dream) trying to figure out what it all seems so important, and I wake up all stressed out and frustrated.Then there are the fire dreams. I'm in a building, never my house, almost always some sort of office, and it's on fire, but the fire is far away in the building and I have a few minutes to pick out some important things to take with me and save from the fire. I can't ever figure out what stuff to take, I stand in the room completely freaking out and totally unable to decide what's important.

My favorite of the frustration dreams, (if you could pick a favorite, they're all so delightful, ugh) is the one where I dream of someone, like a narrator or announcer saying the word "bruxism" over and over very loudly, and then I wake up gritting my teeth. Fantastic.

So yeah, that's where I am right now if anyone is wondering. I guess frustrated is better than sad.


Apologies again for the lack of posts. I've been feeling really hollow and empty. Just subsumed in sadness, and I'm sorry, but it's very hard to post about...anything really, when you're drowning. Please be patient, I'll try to be back soon.

A Loss

My dad is a firefighter, as most of you know by now. His partner was killed at the end of last week. It's like losing a member of my own family. I'm posting the obituary here.

Matt Thetford

Lubbock Avalanche-Journal

Funeral services for Matt Thetford, 39, of Levelland will be 10 a.m., Thursday, Jan. 24, 2008 at First Baptist Church, Levelland, Texas with Rev. Jay Macha, pastor, First Christian Church, Levelland, Texas and Bobby Bell, chaplain, Levelland Fire Department, Levelland, Texas. Burial will be in Whitharral Cemetery under direction of George Price Funeral Home, Levelland, Texas. He died Saturday, Jan. 19, 2008 at Covenant Medical Center, Lubbock, Texas.

Born on March 16, 1968 in San Antonio, Texas, he graduated from Del Rio High School in Del Rio, Texas. He attended South Plains College, Levelland, Texas, and graduated from Texas Tech Health Science Center paramedic school. He attended Texas A & M Fire School at Bryan-College Station, Texas on an annual basis and multiple area fire schools. He married Amy Horne on Nov. 3, 2002 in Las Vegas, Nevada. Matt was preceded in death by a brother, William Ashley Thetford on Feb. 18, 1967.

Survivors include his wife, Amy Thetford, of Levelland, Texas; his parents, C.E. and Margie Thetford of Del Rio, Texas; a daughter, Brooke Renee Thetford of Levelland, Texas; three sons, Matthew Crockett Thetford, Jr., Tyler Wayne Horne and Klayton Taylor Horne, all of Levelland, Texas; two sisters, Jeanie Valentine of Liberty, North Carolina and Julie Hardy of Grand Prairie, Texas.

The family suggests memorials to, Levelland EMS, 809 11th St., Levelland, Texas 79336, The Matthew C. Thetford Fireman's Scholarship Fund, c/o Levelland Fire Department, 502 Ave. F, Levelland, Texas 79336, or to First Christian Church, 311 Clubview Dr. Levelland, Texas 79336.

Back...Sort Of

I'm back for now, but only because I feel like I have to post about this...

My younger sister, Stacy (see photo) has Cerebral Palsy along with a few other disabilities, and this results in her having about the mental/emotional state of a 3rd or 4th grader. She's really funny and sweet and totally innocent about most things, and we just love her to pieces. She has a boyfriend, who's been around for a few years now, his name is Chris, and he has Down's Syndrome. They're a cute little couple and spend most of their time with his family or my family and are never unsupervised. So that's the set up.

She was very upset over the weekend and just really really fretful, but wouldn't tell anyone what was wrong. Yesterday she finally let it all out and told us that her period is late by maybe 2 days. (Caused, no doubt by stress over my grandmother and a few other things. She's also OCD so having things happen on time is a super big deal.) So she's been in a state of utter panic thinking that she's pregnant all weekend. for the reasons stated above, this is a highly unlikely possibility. When asked why she thinks this she had a complete breakdown and tearfully admitted that she KISSED CHRIS ON THE CHEEK!!! Oh the horror!!

Anyway, I've found this pretty entertaining for a couple of days, and that merits a share.

Also, my grandmother seems to have turned another corner and is improving again. She got her hair cut a couple of days ago, which I'm sure helped as much as anything, and will be moving in with my mother at the first of February, fates allow.


I may not be posting for awhile. I'd like to tell you that this is because I'm laying on some tropical island drinking a Mojito, or at least spending as much time as possible in a tanning bed, but unfortunately, that's not the case. I just need time away.

Revised Update

So I was wrong in my last update, but I didn't know it. In spite of early improvements my grandmother seems to now be regressing. They are moving her from the rehab unit of the hospital to a nursing home in the next few days, but my mom is saying that really, she doesn't think she'll be there very long.

Nan won't eat, has a hard time swallowing and sort of seems to have given up. She's said since my grandfather died (over 10 years ago), that whenever it was her time she'd be ready to go. My mother says that Nan is not in any pain, but that she mostly wants to sleep and be left alone. She is very opposed to a feeding tube. My aunt Eva Pearl followed a similar course last year, when she got sick she declared that she'd had a better offer and wasn't particularly interested in continuing in a life where the quality had diminished so much.

I'm very frustrated in this. There aren't a great number of things that I feel passionately about, but a person's right to die is one of them. This belief is in strong conflict with my (selfish) desire for my grandmother to keep fighting and get better no matter how inconvenient it is for her. I feel like I haven't had enough time with her. There are too many things that I don't know and now, she's still with us, but it's too late to find any of those things out.

I am so sad.

General Update

My grandmother is still in the hospital. She seems to be progressing, but slowly, and my mom says that she's unsure if Nan'll ever be able to go back to the apartment where she was living. We're really not sure what's going to happen next, and that's worrying, but certainly not as bad as it could be.

Justin and I both have colds...I think we're the same amount of sick, sore throats, hacking coughs, headaches and the need for 14 hours of sleep, but he's taking it worse than me. That comes from being a boy, I suppose.

School starts again in 2 weeks for Justin, so I'm trying my best not to harass him into doing things he doesn't want to, during his last little bit of "freedom," but mostly he wants to stay at home and I've got cabin fever and want to GET OUT NOW. It's very frustrating. Hmm... I guess that's all. Nothing particularly exciting going on...*yawn* Sorry for the snoozefest, but I thought I should update a little, anyway.


Happy New Year

It should also be noted, this is the 5 year anniversary of the date that Justin and I first officially became a couple. *smile*