Ruby Slippers

When I'm very upset, the first words that always come out of my mouth are "I want to go home." This makes perfect sense if I'm upset somewhere like the mall (which happens more often than you might think), or in traffic or on vacation in some hostile city, but most often it happens when I'm at my house.

Nowhere that I've ever lived for any extended period of time has felt like home to me. The closest I've come was my little apartment in Canyon, but even there, when I was feeling sad, it was always "I want to go home." It took me a long time to figure out where that home might be, and now that (I think) I know, I'm even more frustrated because I have no idea how to get there. I don't know how to pick up a whole life and move. I know that people do it every day, but it completely baffles me, and so I wait. I wait for someone to tell me what to do. I wait for a job and apartment to fall out of the sky. I wait until opportunity has passed, and then it's gone and I'm still looking for home.

I don't want to do that anymore. I want to take control of my life and be in the places that I want to be. I want to find a job that I love, or at least one that I don't hate. I want to stop being afraid. I'm going to try very hard to figure out how to do those things, and then, maybe, I'll be able to find my way home.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

oh goodness Susan. the safety of home is going to be great. I hope to feel that someday too.