"I must not shift, alter or hide myself in order to experience love -- because that's not really love -- that's when resentment is born."
Sabrina Ward Harrison

So, I recently read the autobiography of a fat girl, (like myself) who "overcame" her compulsive eating (which I don't have) and lost a bunch of weight and lived happily ever after. Ok that's fine the story was interesting, but the thing is, throughout the book she feels bad about herself. She believes that she has no value because of her size. She believes that no one will ever love her or value her just because she's fat. She never dates, she assumes that people don't want to be around her because of the way she looks, even though she has nice features, a pretty face, an incredible job...

So, now, I'm watching Cold Case on TNT. The team is investigating the death of a fat girl who signed up for a dating service in the 80's and subsequently turned up dead. When they find her tape in the apartment of a guy, recently deceased, they assume that either a) he has guilt about killing her 20 years ago, or b) he has some kind of "fetish." That he couldn't possibly be interested in her, or be attracted to her in any way, because she's a "specific kind of girl."

Ok, I'm this specific kind of girl. I don't have the feelings that the girl in the book had about herself. I don't think I'm worthless because of my weight. I know that I'm a pretty girl. I've never had any trouble finding someone to date. I never assumed that anyone was with me because they had some sort of "fat fetish." Yeah, I'd like to lose some weight, mostly because I want to have a healthy pregnancy in the next 5 years or so, but I don't think being skinny would change my life.

The thing is, I keep seeing this theme repeat, in tv, the movies, books: No one really wants a fat girl. It's shameful to be overweight. If you're fat, you should at least pretend to be on a diet in front of people. Always order a salad if you're out with people. I'm starting to wonder if I should feel these things. I mean, should I be ashamed of who I am? Should I stop letting people take my picture? By believing that I'm attractive, am I somehow delusional? I feel like by feeling relatively good about myself, most of the time, that I'm doing something wrong. So now I'm feeling kind of conflicted about what I'm supposed to think and feel about me. I dunno, it's just been on my mind lately.


Amanda said...

hello dear friend! Well, the news is up and running! And thank you for being so excited!!!

Terroni said...

You make excellent points, Susan. Am I supposed to think that anyone who is interested in me is not attracted to me, but rather has some sort of bean-pole fetish?

Although you know the answers to all those rhetorical questions...I'm going to say it anyway.
No, you shouldn't be ashamed.
No, I love your pictures.
Yes, you're probably delusional (most of us are), but not about your looks--you're smokin' hot.

And, pursuing a healthy weight is fabulous and will be worth all the shitty work it takes to get there. But, the only good reason to do all that shitty work is because it is just that--healthy.